I’ve always believed in karma, and now I’m not sure why. I always thought that good returned to those who practiced it. I have never felt so naive. But still, there could be some truth in karma.
Learning that I have cancer has forced me to reassess this longstanding belief. I have never felt so naive. At times I feel cliched. Do I deserve cancer? Why did I get it? Why me?
A friend noted the idea that some people require certain challenges to route them in the proper direction. I’ve often had the same thought, but now I wonder if this applies to me. Do I need cancer? Where will it take me? Will it kill me?
I have always struggled to believe in a higher power. This includes god, or God, in the singular, plural, secular, and non-secular forms. I just haven’t. At times I’ve felt shamed, like people expect me to believe in god, and by not believing, that I am dubious, that I lack meaning in my life. Still, I hold this belief. Cancer has not led me to explore my beliefs in god.
Yet I feel I have lost control. So I struggle to figure out who is in control, if not me. I’ve always felt like I am at least partially in control of my own fate. I like control, especially that over myself. If I cannot control myself then I feel and fear that I cannot control anything. I feel like I cannot control this cancer, which is a part of me. Can I control this cancer? If not, who can? What will this controller choose to do?
I think I would be lying if I said that I never thought people with cancer deserved cancer. This sounds terrible. I can’t even say I know what it means. Reflecting, perhaps still naively, I didn’t quite think they deserved it. I suppose I thought that there was reason for the cancer, an explanation connecting it to the sick. Now that I am sick I wonder what I was thinking, if my thought was valid, if there is reason for my cancer.
I didn’t want cancer, but I have it. I don’t think I deserved it, but who does? I hope that it won’t kill me. As for karma, I don’t much know what to make of it anymore.